Perfect and Complete

Transparency & Testimonies

Every single thing about this blog is outside of my comfort zone. You know what else was outside of my own comfort? Letting go of control and letting God come through on everything He said would do.

But without faith, it’s impossible to please God. (Hebrews 11:6)

Everyone has a story to tell and your testimony is an opportunity to reflect. One thing I had to ask myself as I prepared this was, What are you focusing on when you tell your story? Are you looking at you or are you looking at God. It’s funny though, because that’s the same choice that I had to make when I decided who was going to run your life.

Bet. So, here it is.

I was born and raised in the church. I knew of God but I didn’t know Him personally. I saw Him do miracles and the unexpected but I didn’t see Him as intentional. I loved praise and worship and the emotions and peace His presence brings but I didn’t dwell there. I thought surrendering and obedience was optional, and from what I saw growing up, my intentions were to do my own thing and live my best life and then when I got older and finished having fun then I would serve and surrender it all. Because I thought surrendering meant losing freedom but now I know, surrendering is exactly how I found it.

At 17, I had a big (little) break-up. Big at the time because a 17yr old college student trying to make life choices while basically secretly grieving a relationship with no guidance or language is actually kind of crazy. And as I look back and realize the Lord was there. I could sense Him trying to pull me in but instead I pulled away. I did the autopilot thing. Played church then I lived my own way once the service was over. I continued with the emotional experiences but did not let Jesus be Lord of my life. I was all surface and no depth. And since I only had a surface knowledge of God, I had a surface identity. I had no idea how much God really loved me. I thought having a relationship with Christ was transactional and that certain things were my responsibility and that He only wanted to be around for the big miracles.

More than a few reckless decisions later, I found myself in a relationship that was it. Until it wasn’t. It was a relationship with fear and pride that came in a combo with emotional, mental and physical abuse that had me scrambling for excuses and stories to cover up what was actually happening to me. But in all honesty, that was really the beginning of my real journey with Christ. And since we’re still being honest, I know for a fact I only made it out because of God’s grace and mercy. He kept me and told me there was more. I had doubts, and I let God know that I did. But what I was slowly realizing was that all of my doubts were because I was concerned about keeping up appearances and the biggest problem with being surface is that you care more about what is seen than how deep your anchor is. You’re easily thrown off. So for every roller coaster that happened – and they happened – I was easily swayed.

Years later, I heard something that changed the course of my life. “We serve a God who is everywhere at the same time. So when He is speaking to Rebekah in Genesis 25, He’s speaking not based off where she is right then, but based off where He already sees in the future.” That’s when everything started to make sense. A month after that, I took my last hit. Let go of surface level, stopped caring about appearances, called reinforcements and never looked back.

"Whoever seeks to save his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life will preserve it" Luke 17:33 

I know I tried to preserve my own life and I could have lost it all. I can honestly say, every step of obedience I’ve been called into since then has required just as much faith. It’s easier when you have a testimony and when you have seen His faithfulness even when you make yourself distant. It took me way too long to realize how much good He wants for me and my prayer is that no one takes the long way if they don’t have to. But don’t get it twisted, this is not a faith blog for a shortcut or microwave relationship with God. It’s a plea for you to surrender your own agenda and get with His. It’s better, I promise. The rewards of obedience are priceless. And He really does do exceedingly abundantly, above all that we can ask, think or even imagine. Even when all we want is the bare minimum, just know He has more.

The real prize isn’t even prioritizing myself. It’s my relationship with God through Christ and the power of the Holy Spirit. When I see Him rightly, His love becomes equally indescribable and very real. Not just because He said it but because He demonstrates it. Someone can say that they love you and not treat you like it. The demonstration of His love is love too. Words and actions have to match. And when I know how much He loves me, the decisions that I make for myself are different too.

There is so much freedom in testifying of the goodness of God. And if there is one thing I wish I had more of growing up, it would be transparency and real testimonies. There is freedom in sharing and hearing how faithful He is and will continue to be even when we are unfaithful to Him. My testimony helps me remember God when I try to lean a little too much on my own understanding – it stops history from repeating itself and it reminds me of the lengths that He is willing to go to just because He loves me.

"And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony, and they did not love their lives to the death."
Revelation 12:11